Premarital Counseling
Traffic Lights Program
Planning to get married?
Just engaged or contemplating marriage? Discover how to transition smoothly into the next phase of your relationship with Premarital Counseling Program “Traffic Lights.”
Couples are my passion, and I have always aspired to rewrite the stigma around premarital and marital counseling. Seeking a counselor to assist you and your partner through your differences isn’t a sign of weakness or inability — rather it’s a sign of strength and endurance; you love each other enough to put in the effort and plan for a brighter future together. The “Traffic Lights” program is geared towards those seeking premarital counseling, asking the hard but absolutely necessary questions that each couple are encouraged to align on before committing themselves in the sacred bond that is marriage. Read below to understand the structure of this program. If you’re interested in exploring this program or have any questions behind the methodology, please don’t hesitate to reach out.
“Traffic Lights” in Premarital Counseling
How often do we pay attention to the traffic lights of our life? Is it safe to run a red light? What about a yellow light? Can we force light to turn green? What do traffic lights have to do with marriage?
The “Traffic Lights” approach in premarital counseling deals with issues and topics that most couples experience in their marriage. The goal is to be as educated as possible to the challenges ahead so that they are less of a problem if or when they occur.
If love is to grow and flourish, doesn’t a marriage need a good foundation for this to happen? A foundation of knowledge, truth, confidence, love, and acceptance greatly improves the odds of a long marriage. If we are willing to face our issues before they become problems and make decisions about whether or not we can accept the possibilities, then, and only then, with this education, will we be prepared to move forward with confidence that this marriage will endure.
Paying Attention to the Traffic Lights
In the Traffic Lights approach to premarital counseling, we reflect on the twenty-one topics or issues most commonly encountered in marriage. These are:
Age
Attitude
Career/Education
Children
Drug use
Exercise/Health
Friendships
Goals
In-laws
Integrity
Leisure time
Living environment
Looks/attraction
Money (most common reason why couples get divorced)
Morals/character
Parenting
Politics
Religion
Sex/intimacy
In this process, each potential spouse reflects on one topic at a time, for example, “money.” I pose a list of detailed questions about the selected topic. Then the potential spouse shares the position or view they anticipate following after they are married. The listening spouse does not judge but only asks questions, if necessary, to be clear about where their fiancé stands.
This is not the place to negotiate views. The goal is to decide if what they hear from their potential spouse about a particular topic is acceptable to them.
Once the listener feels they totally understand their potential spouse’s stance, I then ask them to give a rating using the traffic lights metaphor:
GREEN light means “I like what I hear, and I have no problems having that approach to <money> in the marriage.”
YELLOW light means “I like some of what I hear but I hope some of my potential spouse’s approach will be different after we are married.” This is very dangerous—just like running a yellow light. You might be okay, but????
RED light means that your potential spouse’s approach to this topic is a deal breaker. You feel opposed to much of what you hear and you would find it difficult to have in your marriage.
Average Wedding Cost
Although regional costs vary widely, the average wedding cost in the United States is skyrocketing. According to The Knot’s 2025 data (a popular wedding planning platform), you’re looking at spending an average of $32,000 for a hometown wedding and an average of $41,000 for an international destination wedding; and this usually doesn’t even include the cost of a honeymoon and other extras! With so much money spent on a wedding, how much money is spent on the marriage? Which is more important, the wedding or the marriage?
With more than half of all marriages ending in a divorce, it’s clear that not enough effort is invested in a marriage. What if a couple invested an equal amount on the marriage as they did on the wedding? Would that change the results? What is necessary to improve the odds of a marriage lasting “until death do us part”? Is it love? Money? Compatibility? Or maybe it’s something else? How much do we really know about the person we choose to marry?
Frequently, couples who are divorcing say, “He/She changed and that’s why we’re getting a divorce.” Their conclusion is, “We grew apart and now we are different.” It’s interesting that most people would agree and realize that just about everybody is different from their spouse from day one of their relationships, and so—do people really change? Probably not. But did we take the time to really get to know our potential spouse?
At the very least, I think it’s time we have the discussion in the early stages of wedding planning to create a plan of action for identifying the foundation of a marriage, increasing the odds of its success. Perhaps a new emphasis on what it means to be engaged might be appropriate. Currently for most, being engaged means “We are in love and we are going to have a great wedding!” What about a great marriage? Maybe to be engaged means “It’s my last, best chance to do all that I need to do in order to identify the necessary ingredients for the foundation of a strong marriage.”
In Summary —
The ultimate goal of the Traffic Lights program is not to ensure a couple gets married; I’m not here to convince you whether or not you’re right for each other. Rather, I aim to open the door towards true clarity between you and your partner, resulting in a undeniable shared understanding.
If a couple still decides to get married after reviewing these 21 topics, they will be stepping into marriage with their eyes wide open. In my experience, this process diminishes the need for a divorce. In so doing, we greatly improve the odds of achieving real knowledge, truth, confidence, love, and acceptance.
The “Traffic Lights” in Premarital Counseling program by James Dziwak was first published November 2022 on Marriage.com.